I want this blog to an open window into my life. A journal of the highs and lows, the blessings and trials that we walk through that will hopefully encourage others as they walk the roads God has for them. Some days are full of fun, sweet things that bring much joy. Other days are filled with many tears and constant prayers to God asking for joy in the midst of pain. I apologize for my absence of late. I started writing a myriad of posts, but haven’t felt like finishing them until today.
Since my last post, I have been so encouraged by y’all and your kind words and prayers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my jumbled thoughts and struggles, and respond with encouraging truth.
I feel like it’s time to share in more detail about what we are walking through. Nate and I are waiting for God to bless us with a baby. We have been trying to conceive since the end of January, so just about 9 months now. I know in a lot of ways, 9 months is not that long, but when you really, really want a baby, every day feels like a lifetime. So many people I have talked to have struggled through infertility for years, and so in writing about how hard this has been for us, I in no way want to diminish the pain of
others who have been walking this road longer. If it’s this hard for us, and we are only going on 9 months, then imagine how much harder it is for those who have been trying to get pregnant for years.
Until we began to walk through this trial, I never understood how hard it is to try to get pregnant, or what a silent, painful battle it can be. It’s not something you just bring up with anyone and everyone, and if you do it’s not right away. It’s a hard, weighty matter that cuts so deep. It has taken me so long to write this post because it’s so hard to convey all the feelings that go along with waiting to have a baby. I just had to accept the fact that I cannot fully convey the entirety of this hardship, but hopefully I can come close.
I think because God designed marriage as a natural road to children, wanting kids is a beautiful, normal, good desire. Thus it can been so very painful when you have to wait for kids. My heart longs to nurture and take care of little people in our own home, teaching them about God, His Word, and the wonderful plan He has for us in His beautiful story. I long to see Nate as a father, because I know he is going to be the greatest dad ever, and I hope all our babies have his gorgeous green eyes. I can’t wait to kiss those chubby cheeks, dress them in adorable outfits, and watch Winston try to figure out what a miniature human is doing in our house (Winston is our cat, for those of you who don’t know. 🙂 ).
As far as we know, there isn’t a medical reason for this time of waiting. On one hand we are thankful that nothing seems to be wrong, yet on the other hand we get frustrated that there isn’t something we can try or work on differently to get a baby.
Some days are a lot harder than others. Some days I just want to have a really bad attitude, stay home, and eat chocolate and ice cream all day. Other days, I have a peace that passes all understanding, and I can smile and laugh because of His grace working in me. Some days my emotions match up with the truth I know in my head: that this time is not being wasted, and God has a good plan for making us wait. Other days my emotions are all over the place, and if I see a baby or a pregnant lady I have to quickly get away somewhere so no one will notice the tears welling in my eyes. On those days I can get so angry and feel like life is so unfair. Praise the Lord that His grace never runs out, and His mercies are new each morning. I’m also ever thankful for my sweet, dear husband who gives me longs hugs and continually reminds me of truth in my darkest moments. These days are the toughest days we’ve walked through in our marriage so far.
Some things that God has been encouraging me with/teaching me lately:
- I need God. More than a baby, or more time with Nate, or any other desire that I have, I need God. Psalm 73:26 says: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I used to admire this verse and had it underlined in my bible, but now it is so much more precious as I struggle through this trial of waiting. This is such a simple truth, but one I all too often forget as I chase the things that have become idols in my heart. God may choose to never bless us with biological children, or He could give us a baby this month, but whatever happens I will still need Him more than anything else. He is the only One who can totally satisfy my heart.
- I need the bible. In church last week Dr. Burk spoke on 2 Timothy 3:16-17:All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. Some helpful, challenging words that stuck in my mind from his sermon were: “In our most desperate moments, what we long for and what we need to hear [whether we know it or not] is a word from the Lord.” and “If you want to know God and His mercy toward you, you have to know the bible.” My need for scripture is such a simple truth, and one that I was taught from a young age, but I easily lose sight of it in the day to day moments. I want to be a woman that radiates the love and joy of Christ. I cannot do this if I do not know the Word, and spend time in it daily. If God blesses us with children, I want more than anything for them to know and love Him and His Word. I need to be in the Word and read it to them and with them for this to happen.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and walk alongside us on this hard road. I hope to be posting more regularly from here on out, and I’m excited to share some fun content with you coming up. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe! I would love to keep in touch and hear about what God is doing in your life. I am amazed at how He is using this trial to spark conversations about His love and faithfulness in others’ lives; at the same time encouraging us that He is “working in our waiting, sanctifying us, and beyond our understanding, teaching us to trust” (some lyrics from my favorite song right now, Sovereign Over Us).