A couple weeks ago when I struggled through another tear-filled conversation with Nate about our trial, he gently reminded me of Romans 8:31-39, especially verse 32: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” God has graciously given us this struggle with infertility. It doesn’t make sense, and is so hard to bear, but He has a reason for it, and it cannot separate us from His love. This truth is hard to swallow, but I’m so thankful Nate encouraged me with it.
This week we celebrated Valentine’s day, and with it came a whole host of emotions that made for a bittersweet day. On the one hand I’m so thankful and full of love for my man and our marriage, but on the other hand it’s hard to celebrate any holiday these days as it marks the passing of time. More time without babies and more questions about if we’ll ever get to celebrate this holiday with little Valentine’s in tow.
Since January, we’ve been meeting with doctors and doing tests to determine the reason for our infertility. On Monday afternoon I went in for an ultrasound which was so so hard. I thought the first time I would have an ultrasound would be when we were expecting. That when I looked on the ultrasound screen I would see a tiny little human and hear a beautiful heartbeat. Instead I saw an empty womb, and my heart felt the crushing weight of the silence in the room. This is not what I wanted my story to be. This isn’t the road I wanted to travel. Yet here we are, and we must keep walking. Time won’t stand still as much as I want it to and want this heartache to come to an end. In dark moments like that one, I must cling to the hope I have in Christ. That this broken world and the pain that we endure in it are not all that there is, because “the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
So we’ll keep celebrating holidays, even if they’re bittersweet, because we know God is working in our waiting, and we trust His steadfast love.
If you’re in the same boat of waiting, even if you’re waiting for something else, I want you to know you’re not alone. Even if God seems silent, trust that nothing can separate you from His love.
“31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.
34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,
39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”