I’m learning that it’s better to be open and transparent about what we’re going through. Better to shine light on the dark spots in our life instead of just sharing the happiest moments, because I want to be real on here, and I pray that my openness will help others to process the hard roads they’re walking and open up, too.
Every adventure takes a dark turn now and then and that’s the turn we’re on at the moment. We don’t know when this darkness will end, but we’ve been comforted by the fact that God never leaves us on the dark paths in the road. He’s always been there, walking alongside us, even when our vision has been clouded and we’ve felt like He’s not.
Over the past few weeks especially (and long before that), so many of our friends and family have prayed for us as we’ve walked the road of infertility. Nate and I are so very thankful for all of you and appreciate your prayers and kind words so much.
So here is an update on our infertility journey:
A few weeks ago we had a follow up appointment with our doctors after doing all the initial testing that couples need to do after it’s been a year of trying to conceive naturally (after a year you’re technically “infertile”).
The tests were long, hard, and painful. Painful somewhat physically, but mostly emotionally. Getting tested for anything isn’t fun, but especially infertility because it feels detached like you’re dealing with something only “scientific,” and that somehow lessons the realness of it.Your body is seen as a machine, and the doctors are just trying to figure out how to “fix” it, emotions aside. I’m sure that wasn’t the intent of our doctors, but at times it felt like it to me during all the testing.
We were relieved and thankful to be done, yet anxious about finding out results. I wanted to know what was wrong, yet I didn’t. I didn’t want there to be anything wrong, because that would make me angry and frustrated because our infertility would be unexplained, but on the other hand I didn’t want something to be wrong medically because that meant something needed fixed.
The doctors discovered I have PCOS. Something is wrong, and it’s wrong with me. I’m still processing through all the emotions that have come from this news. I’m thankful we know the medical cause for our infertility after waiting and wondering for so long, yet I’m sad something is wrong. I’m also thankful that PCOS is treatable, and pretty common these days so the doctors weren’t surprised. Now we’re praying about what our next step will be. We are leaning towards going on medication that will hopefully help, but it’ll be a few weeks before we do anything as it has to do with certain days of my next cycle.
I know God can still give us a baby any day, but after this whole year of waiting my hopes are beginning to wane. I’ve been struggling to rest in God’s sovereignty since we found out. There’s a battle waging inside me between what I know to be true about God in my head-He is good, He loves me, He is sovereign, He is working a good plan through our suffering-with my feelings of sadness and hopelessness about our situation. I’m thankful for all our family and friends who have encouraged us with truth about God and our situation. Thankful for their wise words and hugs and prayers.
I pray daily that God would give me joy through my suffering. That He would give me more grace to trust and love Him and know that He is the ONLY ONE who will satisfy me, not a PCOS free body and plenty of babies. I finally understand and am living out what Paul said to the Corinthians: “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing,” (2 Corinthians 6:10). God has been faithful to give me so much grace and joy through this trial, and I know He will continue to. He has held me when my faith has been weak, and shown me my faith still has far to grow when I’ve felt like it was strong. I’m learning the sweetness that comes from clinging to God above all else, because I’m a complete mess and nothing else satisfies.
In a way, it’s not like much has changed even though we now know the medical reason for our infertility. God is still sovereign over our situation, and He still wants us to wait. The waiting is hard, but God gives more and more grace. This morning I came across this verse while reading Psalm 94, and it blessed me so much. “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” Consolation means “comfort received by a person after a loss or disappointment, or a person or thing providing comfort to a person who has suffered.” I’m so thankful for how God has comforted and consoled me through this trial, and I pray that our story will draw your eyes to the One who can comfort and console you through your darkest days.