Learning Through the Tears



I’m humbled as I write these words because I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn from this trial. I have by no means “arrived.” I don’t know or feel more than others who are also walking this road, but I need to write these down to remind myself of the truth God has so graciously taught me thus far.

I pray these will encourage you heart and draw your eyes to the Lord. But if not, I still need to share these for my own remembrance. Even more important, I’ve interspersed some of the verses that have helped guide me back to truth, and I pray they are a blessing to you as well.

Infertility has taught me:

God is in control, NOT me.

So simple, yet oh so easy for me to forget on the day to day when I think that maybe if I do “this” or “that” we’ll get pregnant. I subconsciously think that I’m in control and my way is best, so then I get frustrated when that’s not the case. But I was never meant to be in control. Never meant to give and sustain life in my womb. This is a gut-wrenching reality check each month when I get negative pregnancy tests. But in those dark moments I’m reminded Who is in control, and He tenderly comforts me and guides me back to truth with His Spirit.

Psalm 94:19: When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul. 

Psalm 100:3: Know that the LORD, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. 

Romans 8:28: And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:32: He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 

Life is an incredible miracle.

I used to take having kids for granted. I thought when we were “ready” we would start our family, and we’d get pregnant right away. Growing up people always reminded me how easy it would be to get pregnant, and so I somehow thought if you had unprotected sex once you’d be pregnant (don’t get me wrong, I believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, but I do think that in putting so much emphasis on how easy it is to get pregnant, we downplay the incredible miracle conception is). Since it’s been so hard for us to conceive, I’ve learned that life in the womb is a precious, incredible miracle. I don’t ever want to take kids for granted or downplay the awesome gift of life that God gives every pregnant woman. Learning this has helped me rejoice with those who are pregnant even though I’m not, and I know it will make me so much thankful for our kids one day, should God grant us life in my womb.

Psalm 139:13-16:

 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. 


I have so much compassion for those struggling through infertility and those who’ve had miscarriages. Before we struggled with infertility, I knew there were people who did and people who had lost babies. My Mom had 3 miscarriages, one of them when I old enough to remember and understand how hard it was for her and my dad. Yet even so I didn’t pay much attention to or hurt for those people like I do now. Now I know what a heartbreaking, silent struggle infertility can be. I know we haven’t walked through a miscarriage, but my hear hurts even more for those who have now that I understand and feel the longing to be a mom. Infertility is such a horrid, silent battle that very few people draw attention to. That’s why I’m so open about our struggle, so that hopefully the silence of this issue will be broken and those struggling through infertility will feel like they can talk about it. And also that those who don’t know what it’s like to be infertile will know how to pray and comfort those they know who are. Even though this trial has been so very hard and I often wish we didn’t have it, I’m thankful for compassion I’ve gained for others on this same hard road. If you’re reading this and that’s you, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’d love to talk with you and pray for you during this hard time. Know you’re not alone and I’m here if you want to talk.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

The night is long, but ever so often the Lord gives me a glimmer of light. Sometimes a bright flash of lightning, others a little glimmer from a twinkling star. I’m so very thankful for the continual grace He gives to continue down this hard road, and for all He is teaching me through it.

Psalm 13:

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me. 

Thanks for letting me ramble on and on friends. Thank you for your prayers, kind words, and support for Nate and I through this hard time. This road is hard and long, but our God is bigger and stronger still. He is using this trial to change and shape us, and draw us to Himself. We pray He is glorified through this trial because His glory is all that matters in this life.

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