Mother’s day. How do I even begin to explain the emotions that this day evokes? I never knew one silly day would cause so much heartache and longing, yet overwhelm me with gratitude at the same time.
Let me (try to) explain. I’m grateful for Mother’s day because I get to stop and think about how awesome my Mom is, and how blessed I am to have a kind and loving Mother in law, too. And even though I didn’t get to meet Nate’s biological Mom, Kathryn, I’ve seen glimpses of the sweet, godly lady she was through tales from her children, and I see how her mothering shaped Nate into a God-fearing, Bible-loving man.
Through my childhood, my Mom constantly loved and took care of me, even though she had 7 other rambunctious kiddos to chase around. She gave of her time and money so sacrificially to make sure we were always clothed and fed. My Mom took her job as a mother seriously, never sacrificing time with us to pursue other things. She took the time to teach us our ABCs and manners, but more importantly the Gospel. She always let me “help” her in the kitchen even though I’m sure that took extra time and hassle. She was always (and still is) my biggest fan, continually encouraging me to learn and grow and enjoy the life God has given me. She never shrunk back from showing me tough love as well, even through my rebellious teenage years which I’m sure brought many a gray hair to her head and tears to her eyes.
I love you Mom. To the moon and back. Thanks for being such an awesome mom!
Mother’s day is a good reminder to celebrate my Mom and MIL, and to think about all the reasons I’m so blessed to know them. I’ve been so blessed to know such good, kind, Christ-like Mothers. Not only my Mothers and MIL’s, but also my sweet sister in laws and my sister (who is expecting her first at the end of May, but has always been such a loving, Motherly-type person. I know she’s going to be the sweetest Mom). Besides them, there are countless Moms in our church and small group who glorify God in their day to day self sacrifice and joy in the journey of motherhood. All these Mothers make Motherhood look lovely and make me want to be a Mother through their example.
I know other’s haven’t been blessed as I have. Maybe they never knew their Mom, or were abandoned. I don’t want to take this blessing for granted, even through the pain of my longing.
But on the other end of the spectrum of emotions, Mother’s day brings with it a tide of heartache because of my barren womb. Last Mother’s day I longed to be a mom. We had only been trying for a few months, yet I was so sad on Mother’s day because I thought we’d be pregnant already. Little did I know the pain I felt on that first Mother’s day was a fraction of the pain I’d feel this year. Another Mother’s day. Another agonizing reminder of the emptiness of my womb while others’ are full to the brim besides more little ones to spare.
It’s hard to watch so many celebrate something you long for, but may never experience.
I fought against writing this post to explain my emotions so much because I don’t want y’all to read this and pity me, or think that I’m trying to steal the show on Mother’s day. That’s the farthest thing from my intention! I hope now (as has always been my hope in sharing our journey through infertility with such openness), that your eyes will be open to those with similar struggles like mine so that on Mother’s day you can pray for and encourage them.
Mother’s day reminds me that all is not right with the world. Sin has brought misery and destruction, and we are all broken. Ultimately, I cannot conceive because my body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to due to the stain of sin on this world.
For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
Although this longing to be a mother has broken me and continues to be the hardest trial I have faced, I don’t suffer without hope. I have hope in Christ because He has redeemed me. He gives more life and satisfaction than a full womb will ever give. The pain I’m experiencing now only makes the thought of glory with Him sweeter.
Romans 8:18, 28-30, 38-39
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us…And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified… For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Whether you’re waiting and longing for children like me, or you’ve already been blessed with little ones, I hope that this Mother’s day you’re reminded again of our hope in Christ. That He is the only One who brings true satisfaction and joy. If you’re still waiting for motherhood, know that my heart is heavy for you today. I know the ups and downs of this struggle. The hope and grief that each new month of waiting brings. I hope these words cause your eyes to lift to the One who loves you more than anything, and sent Jesus to die to prove it.